There is something of the controversial and confrontational in the understanding of humility in our society today. I say this, with an honest hand on heart, that I even find, within myself, a certain struggle in understanding humility and applying it to my own life and sense of self. Growing up, especially in the eighties and nineties, to be humble was not “cool” - in fact we were actively encouraged to be as big, loud, and out there as possible. Think big shoulder pads, big hair, and even bigger egos. Our role models were people who made big bucks in banking and investments, celebrities who were extravagant and unapologetic for their “live big” lifestyles, and sports stars who were focused primarily on winning, winning, winning and who would chuck massive tantrums if they lost. Success was defined by being the best and having the most material things - money, property, objects. Life was aspirational in a capitalist way, material objects revealed status, if you weren’t aiming for the large house with large furniture and a fancy car in the garage there was something wrong with you. In the eighties and nineties humility was seen as a weakness and a character trait that would not help you achieve individual success in life; achieving the socially accepted BIG life meant there was no space, no place, for humility.
Humility comes from the root words of humilitas and humus, meaning “the earth beneath us.” What this says to me is that humility is about being grounded, grounded in ourselves and in the world around us, in being grounded in the truth of our lives, our successes and our failures. Humility is not a weakness, but like the earth that stands so solidly beneath our feet, humility is strength in knowing our true selves; it takes strength in the feedback and comments of others; it takes strength in the knowledge of doing what it takes to be the best moral and ethical person that we can be. Humility is finding strength is your abilities, your knowledge, your character, and using these strengths to help others grow, learn, and succeed. There is power in humility, there is power in the deep, pro-social connections humility assists you in making. Humility is that beautiful middle ground between vanity/pride and self deprecation. In Don Quixote humility is said to be the base and foundational virtue of all the virtues and without humility no other virtue would exist. So I ask you, do you cultivate humility in your own life? Or in the lives of the kids you work with or parent?
How can we cultivate our humility? And what impact will cultivating humility have on our lives and the lives of others?
(image from Pixabay)
Living by ones values has, in recent years, become very important to a lot of people. I certainly know, amongst my friends, that they often talk about what values (or character strengths *wink *wink) are important to them - honesty, authenticity, openness, knowledge, love, kindness, gratitude....
I also see how values play out in the actions that people take, the relationships that they build, the jobs that they have. For most people I know there is such a beautifully obvious ode to service in the way their values are expressed, service to others (humans!), service to the environment, service to animals, service to the greater good of society.
It has got me thinking how I actively practice my own values and if, in the actions I take on a day to day basis, I am being true to myself and what I believe in.
Let's talk about what my values are:
(humility can, on occasion be a hard one for me,
I think there is an entirely other post in the making to explore this further)
appreciation of beauty and excellence
(the above are in no particular order)
How do I express these in practical ways in my life?
Love is a no-brainer and pretty much covers all of the others, I love my friends and family, I love life, I love knowledge, and I love everything that is beautifully challenging (as in anything artistic, i.e., art, music, writing).
Family and friends, I try to support and develop positively developing relationships with the people in my life. Since having been bereaved three times in the past six years this has taken on a new meaning for me and I pay particular attention to building good relationships with those that are open, willing, and able.
Gratitude is what gets me through anxiety filled moments, whether work-wise or socially, reminding myself that I am abundant already, rich in relationships, interests, and experiences. That putting on that mask to impress others, or failing to nail that work contract, well, ultimately those things don't matter, and that my worth is not to be judged by others. I also practice gratitude through my ever growing spiritual practice, through meditation and prayer, that connecting into what is bigger than me, a heart to heart with God.
Curiosity - very simple, I never want to stop learning about life, humans, nature, the universe.
Humility, I constantly remind myself that I wouldn't be where I am without so many others, success is not just given to you, it is earned through the collaborative and interconnected nature of human society.
Care, in friendships, but also care of nature and my own body. Inspired by my sister, I developed an interest in chemical free beauty and hygiene products over fifteen years ago. Combining this with my concern over the environment and single use plastics, I have reduced my beauty/hygiene products to chemical free, plastic free, and almost waste free: a shampoo bar, soap bar, clay toothpaste, and I am currently finishing off moisturising cream that is in a glass jar, but I intend to start using body/face creams that come in compostable cardboard containers (YES there is such a thing!!).
Kindess (see all of the above).
Appreciation of beauty and excellence and creativity go together, I have an innate need to create, and if I can create something beautiful, even better. I have weekly piano lessons, I knit in winter, and do cross-stitch whenever I have time (and of which I want to make more time), and I mend clothes that are still beautiful and just need creativity to make like new again.
What are your values and how do you express them in your day-to-day life? Let me know in the comments below.
(image from Pixabay)
(I wrote this the other night... but I still think that it is relevant and important to post here. Because life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. In fact, without the moments of existential doubt - as I infer below - we cannot appreciate the lighter, happier, content moments of life. So on reflection, a few days after writing below, I say this to you, really feel the wide variety of emotions that you feel, remembering always that change is inevitable and that as the sun rises and sets, so sadness, anger, fear, happiness, joy, and ecstasy will come and go).
I suspect I am having an existential crisis.... again.
I don't mean to make an existential crisis sound flippant or deluded or sublime. But it's there and it is something that I trip into regularly, especially since my Mum died. This is going to be a deeply personal blog post, be warned.
As a renowned optimist I do generally see the good, great, and grand view of life, the lighter side, the side where laughter is contagious, the ridiculous can send me into fits of laughter that draw tears from my eyes like the turning of a tap, the marvel at nature that surrounds me, the love expressed through the deepening of relationships with those that love me (and whom I love dearly).
But there is the whirling chaos of despair that sits ever present in a very particular area of my brain and heart. Albert Camus wrote "There is no love of life without despair of life," and the way I see life resonate with this is astonishing. I see friends affected by grief (in the many varied ways that grief expresses itself and the many varied ways that grief comes about), and I recognise that that whirling chaos of despair is a condition of the human experience. To feel grief (for me the grief of losing a parent) is to feel love and a love of life in all its glory. There is hope in even the darkest times and that hope is love. Love is never lost, but it is enduring, most especially during loss, whatever that loss looks like. Despair, I think, almost guides love, guides it to where it needs to go, where it needs to wrap its tendrils tightly, binding; safety.
The colours of life enthral me, including the feeling of despair when I trip inelegantly into it, because, to fully be human, to fully understand the human experience, we have to trip into the dark, if only so we can excitedly skip back into the light.
And so we were off, to the only second ever International Positive Education Network Conference, with fingers and toes crossed that we would arrive in Fort Worth, Texas, on time and with our luggage (to make a long story short, last trip to Texas for the conference we were severely delayed and they lost our luggage, hey ho). Well, we were delayed, and missed our connecting flight, were repeatedly put on separate new flights, until finally they got the picture and put us on the same flight, but then we arrived in Dallas/Fort Worth Airport, and our bags did not appear! Surely it could not be a perfect repeat of two years ago - but you know, we are positive education specialists, so of course, we had to be positive!! I suggested maybe our bags had come earlier - and what do you know, I was right.... only this meant that at midnight, on a Saturday night, we had to trudge to another terminal to pick up our bags. Crap happens right? But sometimes, when it happens we have moments of connection that lift the spirits and make you grateful for the delays, diversions, and grumpy tiredness (cause I do get grumpy when I'm tired). Finding our suitcases, the lady at the desk asked to see our luggage tickets, I handed them to her and said "it's those two purple ones." With a sudden grin on her face, the lady replied, "say what now?" I repeated, "the two purple ones are ours." The lady said again - grin widening - "say what now?" I started to laugh, she then asked me "can we have a conversation? I just want to hear your accent!" How could I deny her, even in my sleep deprived state; she was surprised that I wasn't English, that I am, in fact Australian and speaking with an Aussie accent. Ahhhhhh those Americans LOL. So after locating our suitcases and having our accents relished by the customer support lady, we made it to our hotel; we truly started our adventure into the #WPEA2018 conference.
Positive Education is really becoming a global movement. A movement that is open-minded, curious and with a shared aim to make education for all (meaning from baby to elderly). It isn't just about academic knowledge, but about self knowledge, social action, and wellbeing, irregardless of demographics, cultures, and socio-economics. To be around like-minded people who have come from as far afield as the Australia, Dubai, and India, the US, Canada, and Europe, the intensity of the learning, the networking, the building of new and existing relationships, is like being in a pressure cooker full of different, exotic, ingredients, with the final result to be a perfectly seasoned dish of happiness, contentment, and flourishing for all. It was exciting.
This conference was to be very different to the previous and first IPEN conference two years ago. We were to have one full proper day of typical conference doings (i.e., talks, workshops, and keynotes), and then three days of a process called appreciative inquiry. Appreciative Inquiry (or AI for short) is a process that looks at the strengths of an organisation and looks at how we can use those strengths to build and grow in a positive way. As a process to build on the strengths of an organisation, it is starting to emerge as a brilliant way to assess, goal set, and move forward in schools.... but more on that a little later.
Here are my themed thoughts on #WPEA2018 -
1. Time for major, purpose driven change in education: it was acknowledged time and time again that what employers need from future employees is not how to conjugate a verb or solve a physics problem (unless, of course, your job depends on you being able to do these things), but what is needed is critical thinking and creative problem solving skills, the ability to cultivate and maintain positive, productive relationships, the ability to be a leader and a team-player, people utilising their strengths to achieve their potential. That is not to say that academic learning should be disregarded, but it should be developed in tandem with life skills that enable all (regardless of interests and abilities) to flourish. On the flip side, we also have to acknowledge that educations main aim should not be about making a young person employable. That makes education very utilitarian, feeding into the "factory farm" feel education currently has. Education should be a life long pursuit born our of a curious and engaged mind (see more at #3).
2. School Culture is key: a new buzz word at the conference was "ecology." The ecology of a school is considered every part, looking at the bigger picture of what makes up a school, and acknowledging how their is an interconnectedness between all of the parts. If one part of the school ecology is not well then this has a negative impact on the other parts. If a school has teachers who are stressed then the students won't learn well and may not have good relationships with the teachers, AND the teachers won't have good relationships between each other. If students are suffering from anxiety and extreme pressure, as a group, relationships will fail, self esteem and self belief will disappear, and academic results will fall, impacting on the reputation of the school, and also how the teachers and school staff feel about themselves and as a group and there would, undoubtedly, be a negative impact at home. With a focus on changing school culture to embody wellbeing, character, and academics, we can impact the potential of all in the school community to thrive and flourish.
3. Education is lifelong: as I mentioned above, education should be a life long pursuit, and to encourage children to grow with a curious and enquiring mind, we need to change how we view the development of and dissemination of knowledge. There were many opinions at the conference, ranging from starting with positive education classes for potential parents, through to engaging learning with elderly people, perhaps through connections with younger people. Also the way that students learn was considered, with the main concept being, to move away from the feed information to and test information out approach, so project-based and student led learning. What #WPEA is show me was that there is a growing momentum for extreme change in education and that this momentum is not only NOT slowing down, but is in fact growing quickly across the globe.
4. AI can create magic: For three days of the conference we did the AI process, opening up the discussions to what we going well in positive education, how our individual strengths could contribute to what was going well and what could go well, and ultimately dreaming big - imagining the biggest, brightest future for education globally. I worked with the "Youth-led Initiative" group, which did include some young people. We let the young people lead the group and allowed them to dream their biggest dream for bringing Positive Education to young people all over the globe. We supported and encouraged, and watched the blossom, both in terms of their strengths and leadership skills. (My colleague, Frederika Roberts, is a qualified AI practitioner... you know, if you're interested in running the process in your school *wink *wink). Ultimately, the AI process inspired and motivated the 900+ group of global educators, and is now leading to actionable change on a global scale - how amazing is that.
Do you want to know more about #WPEA and IPEN? Check out the IPEN website here - International Positive Education Network. If you would like to know more about how my colleague and I can help you with bringing positive and character education into your school, or even to run the AI process in your school community, then check out our website here - Resilience Wellbeing Success.
Last week I was supposed to speak at Townley Grammar's Character Education Conference - the first of 5 Character Education conferences I am keynoting at or running workshops at this year. I had to pull out of the conference because, well, you know that flu that everyone had over winter and I thought I had somehow dodged it, it got me. Barely able to lift my head off my pillow, I had to cancel my talk, and I was gutted! I had been so looking forward to this conference, not only because of an opportunity to speak about my experience of character, but to also hear other passionate experts talk about their perspective and how they are embedding character into their school communities. Townley Grammar is one of the schools at the leading edge of embedding and developing character in their school community. Fabian de Fabiani is Townley Grammar's Director of Character and Wellbeing, and was the driving force behind the conference, his passion to bring character education into schools is palpable and exciting. It is conferences like this one that is opening up the discussion on character and the application of character interventions - discussions that are needed as the importance of catching and teaching life skills and wellbeing in schools in growing.
As I missed out on attending this amazing conference, I wanted to take the time to write a little bit about what I had intended to speak about; I had been asked to speak about my story and how character fits into the wider picture. This got me thinking about how we use story to inspire, develop, and grow, and how we can use our own stories to develop character within and wider into the community. So, here we go....
As I have delved deeper into the theory and concept of character and virtues I have started to see something really important about my life, and other peoples lives as well. Our lives are made up of stories; our histories are there, rich in different experiences, and most importantly, rich in expression of character and virtue. As I mine my own life, to illustrate what certain character traits can look like, I have realised that there is power in this mining, power to strengthen my own sense of character, and if my own stories strengthen my own sense of character and purpose, will your stories strengthen yours?
There is definitely something in this idea or application of character - in Ryan Niemiec's book, Character Strengths Interventions, he talks about a character strengths activity you can do where you draw upon previous experiences of character expression, and you make it known, not only to yourself, but others, through story (see end of blog post for instructions for activity). In doing this you are raising awareness of your own character strengths to the wider world, revealing the moments where you have been kind, brave, or humble, and owning those moments as a deep part of your personal history. This shifts a focus away from negative, critical thought, and you start to see the positive aspects of your personality and experiences, you start to see the wider impact and importance of your life rippling out into the community around you. You start to shift your language, from one of deficit and defeat, to one of growth and gain.
Story: I was painfully shy as a child, I hated being the centre of attention (outside of my family that is - inside the family I could shout and talk and perform for days!) and was socially awkward, so much so that, even when I put myself forward for school vice captain (which I somehow got), I would only go on the camp for school leaders if my best friend could come along. I know some of you are scratching your heads - she was shy, but pursued leadership goals, I'm a conundrum even unto myself. This strange dichotomy of wanting to hide from others, and yet pursue goals that thrust me into the public eye, is something I have struggled with on many levels, and one of these levels was in sport. As an eleven year old I loved swimming and racing (in my backyard pool) and I desperately wanted to compete at the school swimming carnival (or swimming gala as you Brits like to call it), but the thought of making a fool out of myself held me back. It took my mum saying she would be there at the swimming carnival, and that she would walk beside the pool with me and pull me out if anything went wrong, to make me feel brave enough to leap in that water. The race was the 50m Breaststroke, and there was only me and another girl in the race. I was convinced I would lose, and when the teacher announced that they would race the boys 50m Breaststroke at the same time, I flipped and refused to line up. It took my mum and a teacher to convince me that racing the boys was a non sequitur to actually pulling out of the competition. So I got in the water, heart racing, face flushed from embarrassment, and got set. The gun went. All I remember is the end of the pool seemed to far away, and every time my head bobbed out of the water I could hear my mum yelling at me to "Go Go Go." I had no idea where anyone else was, and as the end wall approached, I argued with myself over stopping or continuing. I kept on going, finished the race, and promptly found out that I had come first in the girls, and if I had been racing the boys, out of 6 boys I would've come 3rd. The smile on my face said it all, the blue winners ribbon clutched tight in my hand, and the pride I felt in my chest was bursting through my skin. Brave, resilient, a little gritty, a lot of courage, a lot of self belief, was expressed and developed in that moment; if I could do that, gulp down my fears and spread my wings a little in the school swimming carnival, what could I do in the future, on a wider, world stage? Suddenly a feeling of potential flooded my senses.
Fear develops in a child's scope of life experience at a young age. As soon as we are born we have biases and stereotype conditioning thrust upon us, developing a mindset that is aimed to protect us and keep us safe, but ultimately ties us to a world of disbelief in our own potential. We need to change this, on many levels, and as a school community we can shift this thinking in the children that we work with by changing the stories that we tell ourselves and each other. As a child and teen I believed in what my life would not be like, and it took a lot of mindset shift and support from parents and teachers who did believe in me to recognise and value the potential that my life did inherently hold. In plying my life for nuggets of this potential, I have started to see that as a child I was living and developing character strengths that would ripple into my adult years, and see me through some of the toughest and heartbreaking moments of life (relationship breakdown, home-sickness, and gut-wrenching grief - things we all of us experience and have to process and grow from). Those moments where we can recognise we have been brave, resilient, and courageous, shows us that we are capable of these moments, and in knowing we are capable, we can draw on them and use them when deciding a course of action and interaction. The story above shows that if we can reframe how a child approaches a moment in life that they believe may be difficult, embarrassing, and to hard to try, we can shift their focus from one of fear, to one where they are the hero in their own story, where they can consciously tap into their character strengths to give them the physical and mental strengths to pick themselves up and have a go.
In reframing your stories you can start to see your moments of character, when and how you applied those actions of character-ful acts, and start to think of how you can apply these into the future. The "Develop Strengths-Spotting" activity can help you and your pupils/students start to mine their own life stories for examples of when they have shown and taken action with a character strength, this will start to change their language around who they are as people, how they view themselves and others, and also develop a self belief in their abilities to be character-ful people that will benefit, not only themselves, but the wider community.
Step 1: Think of a time in your life when you have shown a particular character strength. This could be from anytime in your life, any situation/context, i.e., home, school, work, hobbies.
Step 2: Develop/write this time out as a story, with a beginning, middle, and end.
Step 3: Review the story and note the character strengths that you have used in that moment.
Step 4: Share this story with a peer, friend, or family member.
Step 5: Ask this person to provide feedback, what character strengths did they pick up on.
Step 6: Now listen to a character strengths story from them and offer them feedback.
Research shows that when you share positive stories with others you increase the feelings of positive emotions, and you also increase levels of happiness and life satisfaction - all of which increase our ability to be resilient in the face of tough times.
(image from Pixabay)
Uncertainty and risk taking.... two things that can us into a cluster**** of anxiety and stress. Yet we, as adults, expect children that we work with to be able to extend themselves beyond their comfort zones on a regular basis. If a child has anxiety about a particular situation/event/activity we encourage them to try, try, and try again, because we know that the more they do the activity the easier it will get. This is actually a good thing! When I was a child I was painfully shy, but the older I got the more I was actively encouraged to step into leadership roles. My teachers (and parents) recognised that I had leadership skills, but not the experience or confidence to undertake the role. With experience comes the confidence, and that led me to feeling comfortable enough to become school captain, give speeches in front of the community, swim at 2 Paralympic Games, and during that time even give an Australia Day speech with the then current Prime Minister sitting two seats down from me. I now speak for a living!
BUT, why is it that when we hit adulthood we suddenly think that we don't have to "push our boundaries" anymore? Why do we.... stop growing? Learning should be a lifelong pursuit, whatever that learning looks like, and this growth can make life more fulfilling and more purposeful. And if we expect children that we work with the be pushed out of their comfort zones, shouldn't we should children that we are willing to be pushed out of ours?
I am not saying this to simply provoke, or create argument, but having run workshops where some teachers have struggled with some of the activities, or had conversation with teachers who feel that they shouldn't have to be pushed out of their comfort zone, it is a topic that I have thought about hard and often.
I ran a Twitter poll on this very topic and the results were interesting, and regarding my previous experiences (see above paragraph) pleasantly surprising. This was my question: "If we ask children to step outside of their comfort zone (at least just a little), is it fair to ask teachers to do the same? I believe, as adults, it is good to stretch ourselves." The results were as follows: Yes 94%, No 0%, Sometimes 6%. Can I get a loud HELL YES!!!
But what is the scientific thought out there on pushing ourselves beyond our comfort zones, and how can we do this?
In a study done on Outbound participants from two countries, it was discovered that pushing ourselves emotionally, creatively, and socially, places us in a peak learning experience. There were a number of elements to this study that proved quite interesting:
Flow - When in flow we become so engrossed by what we are doing that we loose track of time, space, etc. I am sure that you have been there, I know I have, many times, as an athlete, artist, academic, and speaker. To really hit flow, Csikszentmihayli (the expert on flow - read his book, it's great!), the experience has to be challenging, but not too challenging (this makes the activity engrossing), be intrinsically rewarding, and not provoke any boredom or worry. There has to be a certain level of stress to the activity, otherwise we struggle to maintain that engagement and urgency that drives us forward
Perceived Risk - Researchers have suggested that by minimising extreme risk, but perceiving elements of risk in the activity improves our sense of self, develops personal growth, and is an opportunity for self actualisation. Basically, if we take note of potential risks in the challenging experience, we can be more confident in our approach to the challenge.
Reflection - This study was primarily about the physical pushing of boundaries, but what was recognised that it wasn't the physical exertion that pushed boundaries, but the reflection afterwards, that provided the biggest opportunity for growth. Reflection in this study was done through journaling and debriefs. Where reflection can become challenging is through the character trait of honesty, are you being honest with yourself and can you take the honesty of leaders/trainers.
Ultimately what this study (as well as other research) states is that when we push ourselves out of our comfort zones we achieve a certain level of anxiety, and that that anxiety is good.
So my challenge to you is this - wherever you are at, whatever you find challenging, this summer holidays do take an opportunity to push yourself beyond your self-imposed limits.... and let me know what happens in the comments or on twitter.
Sometimes my yoga mat seems like a soft cushion of blissful cloud, and other times, like today, it felt as hard as cement. Every downward facing dog and table top pose made my wrists feel aflame and all I wanted to do was fall flat on my face, shut my eyes, and pretend to be asleep. But push on I did, because what else could I do; to give in was to relent to defeat, and if there was one thing yoga would never see me do was give in. Bringing my right leg forward I tried to gracefully extend into Warrior 1, but my hips complained, and my slightly sweaty left foot, gripping the mat like a vice, still insisted on slipping further backwards.
"Keep balance, keep balance, keep balance," this mantra played over and over as I felt my centre of gravity fight against my leg muscles. The snow falling outside the window briefly distracted me, so pretty, all this pure white snowflakes - what was I up too? What was I meant to be doing now? The yoga video on youtube had seemingly skipped ahead a few poses. I gracelessly fell out of Warrior 1 and quickly lowered to downward dog again. Why was I so distracted today, why did the mat feel like cement - immovable, rough, and kind of scary.
I tried to remember what a lot of yoga teachers have said - "what happens in life was reflected on the mat." So what has been immovable cement in my life? Think, think, Elizabeth. I don't know, so I lower to plank, then down onto my belly, the softness of my belly spread like a slime ball - the mat was unrelenting. Cobra pose, flip up back into downward dog, look forward and step into forward fold. The relief slipped along my spine like a waterfall. Each spinal disc seemed to knock the other forward, stretching the ligaments and muscles; blood running to my head, nourishing the brain, perhaps loosening the tightness of body and mind.
Sometimes I don't want to get on the mat, sometimes I don't like the mat, but whenever I get to certain poses, the need for the mat becomes apparent. Perhaps the mat isn't cement, and perhaps there is no immovable object/emotion/action in life that is stopping me moving forward, perhaps it is all about how we perceive what is happening to us and how we are responding. I don't know, to be honest, all I know is that by the end of my yoga session the mat was no longer the most hated object in my life, but had seemingly become that fluffy cloud of softness and support. Who knows.
Late last year I had a lot of traveling to do with work - I love my job, going into schools to inspire pupils and teaching staff character education and positive psychology interventions, but I have a secret. For awhile there every single time I got into my car I had horrific visions of me crashing on the motorway. The visions was so awful that my heart rate would increase, I would get sweaty palms, my mouth would go dry, and I felt like crying. This tide of extreme anxiousness would roll over me and all of my excitement for traveling, for working, for teaching character and wellbeing would wash away. With this intense anxiety and fear, I would force myself in the car, and I would drive to the other side of the country, and I would arrive absolutely fine.
This couldn't go on though.
Here I was, going into schools and telling pupils and staff how they could bolster their own mental health, build their resilience, and cultivate character strengths, and yet I was a quivering wreck hours before hand - this wouldn't and couldn't work. I had access to hundreds of interventions and their subsequent research, I had to delve deep into my bag of tricks, I had to self reflect and understand why I was having these anxious thoughts.... again.
Because yes, this wasn't the first time I have been overcome by the tide of anxiety and taken to the depths of panic. Six years ago I was undertaking a PhD in Fine Art. Everything seemed fine, at first, but then that little voice started telling me "you can't do this," "you will fail your viva voce", "your supervisor is leading you astray" (there was actually some truth in that!). I let these thoughts in and I let them settle. And then the physical manifestation of this doubt, fear, and anxiety happened. To get to my university I had to get a train, I have never been afraid of trains before, but in a gradual build up I started to feel sick whenever I got on that train. Then I would feel sick and start to get the shakes. Then I would feel sick, start to get the shakes, and then feel like I was going to faint. Finally, after a few months of this, I was due to head to uni to set up for an exhibition. My housemate found me, in tears, rocking on the couch. I felt paralysed. My bag was too heavy to carry (not really), the door was too far away for me to get too (2 metres away), I couldn't talk on the phone for a taxi (talking on the phone is a whole other social anxiety story for later), and there was no way that I was getting on that train to get to uni. After much coaxing, my lovely, understanding housemate, got me out of the house, onto the train, and into uni (yes, she came with me all the way to uni). And when we got home later that day she said "you are going to the doctors over this, this isn't normal." And she was right.
2 years on anti-depressants for anxiety.
There had to be another way - and I found drug-free ways to handle my anxiety. Meditation and yoga have helped me immensely and though I try to keep them both up, sometimes they slide, and I feel that tide ebbing in again... closer.... and closer.... and closer.
I consider myself a high functioning anxious person.
What is a high functioning anxious person?
1. A perfectionist: everything in your life has to be "perfect" for everything to be okay.
2. Busy Bee: you are constantly busy, or feel like you should be.
3. You have a Tick!: Or rather some bad habits that help you manage your feelings (I bite my cuticles when I am anxious, if you want to check out my current state of mind look at my finger nails).
4. You hide it well: A lot of the time people don't realise you are having a hard time unless you tell them. And tapping back into being a perfectionist, you never let others know when you're having a hard time.
5. You can't say no: You worry so much about letting others down (and as part of this you worry about what other people think of you), so you never say no to anything, even when it is detrimental to you. (This is a HUGE thing for me, and it takes a lot of self discipline to say no to people, a lot of practice, and a lot of stopping the overthink).
I have started up my yoga practice again and it is helping. But today I want to share with you a slightly different, slightly odd-ball way of approaching anxiety - especially when it comes to anxiety about travel (let's come full circle to my story above).
Engaging with character education and positive education had me thinking, last year, when I was feeling that tide of anxiety roll into me whenever I had to drive, was there a character strength that I could tap into to help me change my mindset. I needed a new narrative that didn't involve horrific crashes on the motorway, and I found a solution that worked for me.
Curiosity is a character trait recognised by pretty much all people that work in character education and positive psychology. The VIA Character Strengths explanation of curiosity is - interest in exploring new ideas, activities and experiences, and having a strong desire to increase personal knowledge.
I decided to change my response to my emotional riptide.
I decided, through the fog of anxiety, that I would look at the travel through the lens of curiosity.
Whenever a feeling of fear would arise and the visions of a horrific accident would play like a move in my mind, I would flick that switch, and like an imagination u-turn, I would change myself into an explorer of what was ahead. Don't be afraid, why worry about an accident that hadn't happened, or in all likelihood wouldn't happen, instead think of the exciting things that may happen on this journey. Imagine the people you may meet, the sights you may see, the things you might hear, smell, touch. Think of the opportunities that may come your way if you approach this journey with an open-mind and eyes wide open to all that is around you. No need to get pulled into the tide of anxiety and curl up into a tiny ball of quivering emotions. Be bright, be open, be curious.
I now remind myself on every journey I take, to look up and about, take it all in, be open to the experience, to not worry about something that hasn't happened, and have fun.
That doesn't mean I still don't feel anxious, but that tide is not a King Tide anymore, it is a small, gentle, lapping tide, that only tugs at my toes and slightly wets my ankles.
1 in 5 of us will experience potentially crippling anxiety in our lifetime. So if 5 people read this blog, one of you will suffer, but know that you do not suffer alone, and that with courage and bravery (two more character strengths), and a little imagination, try bringing some curiosity into those anxious moments, it may or may not work for you, but it is worth a try.
I remember, distinctly, the moment that I decided that I would never swim breaststroke again. I had just been disqualified from my first ever big competition race as a swimmer and I was devastated. It had been entirely my fault, swimming the wrong stroke in a race (other than a freestyle race, where you are actually allowed to swim any stroke), and the humiliation was all pervading. For a few minutes I had wanted to quit swimming, I had wanted to give up on my dream and hide, but that had quickly passed once I reminded myself of how badly I wanted to achieve my goal to swim at the Paralympics. So I wasn't giving up on my swimming dreams, but what was so aptly revealed to me in that moment was this, if I wanted to be the best swimmer I could ever be I had to focus on my strengths and where I was already excelling, and let go of weaknesses that, if I gave too much attention too, would inevitably hold me back. So breaststroke got the boot, and over the next weeks, months, and years, I started to fly. My first international medal came in 100m Backstroke (and whilst this race remained in my repertoire, and I maintained respectable world rankings, it became more of a warm-up race), but at Paralympics and World Championships, my best results and medals came from frontcrawl and butterfly.
I want to clarify that I am not saying we should give up anything where we have a weakness - if we gave up at any appearance of a weakness we would do nothing at all. Weakness is inevitable in all areas of our life. This is fact.
What I am talking about is making a sound judgement about what weakness is worth letting go of and what weakness is worth working on. With breaststroke there was no way the entire sum of weaknesses I had within performing that stroke were ever going to strengthen... this was my opinion and my coach's opinion. So it was not worth my or my coach's time working on this stroke that was seemingly impossible for me to perform effectively. Backstroke, frontcrawl, and butterfly, however, were a different story. I was fast and strong with these strokes, and weaknesses that I had within them (regarding style, technique, and speed) I could work on effectively and quickly, bringing about drastic improvements in my times and rankings. I had these strengths that I could make stronger by addressing the weaknesses within them. This was true resilience and persistence in the face of achieving a goal.
In Dr Lea Waters book "Strengths Switch" she talks about the process by which a child's grey matter grows and recedes as they go through the cycle of experiencing the world and then focusing more and more on where our strengths and interest lie. The part of this process that I am interested in is in the adolescent years, when a teen's brain is actually shrinking as the brain discards the grey matter that it doesn't need, and keeps the grey stuff that is being used regularly. This receding, pruning, shrinking of the brain starts at age 12, and it is at this crucial moment that we have an opportunity to help our teens build the brain of their dreams!
"A type of survival-of-the-fittest endgame takes place where neural networks battle it out to secure their place in the remodelled adult brain." (Strengths Switch, p 102)
I read this and it instantly made me think.... as our neurons battle it out for supremacy, is it actually a neuron Olympics/Paralympics going on in our brains? Do all teens actually have a chance to create a "medal winning" brain?
As we grow into adulthood it seems that we have an opportunity to cultivate and build neural networks that can actually help us achieve our potential as adults, to be the best person that we can be. And in understanding that we can make choices regarding what neural networks we make stronger, does that not empower us to have more control over our lives and how we respond to the ups and downs of life?
Think of the fours strokes that I started off swimming in as an athlete: breaststroke, backstroke, frontcrawl, and butterfly. Imagine each of these strokes is a neural network/pathway, and at the age of 13 I had an opportunity to decide, do I strengthen the ones that are already quite strong, and prune away the weaker pathways? Or do I persist in trying to strengthen a weakness that actually won't help me be the best swimmer that I can be? I had an opportunity to prune my neural networks to give myself the best chance to be the best person that I could be, and even though my strengths (frontcrawl, backstroke, and butterfly) were not without their weaknesses, constant working on them strengthened those strengths and enabled me to walk away with medals.
When teens have an understanding of how their brain works and how they have a crucial window within which to strengthen certain networks and pathway, this can empower and build confidence in their choices for life. Let them learn and know that when they engage in certain behaviours, emotions, and skills that are not helpful to their futures these become patterns that can and will hold them back, that can make them less resilient and less likely to cope with life's stresses. Let them learn and know that when they engage with behaviours, emotions, and skills that are healthy, uplifting, and positive, they are creating pathways that will help them thrive and flourish in the present and the future, and that by building their strengths, through choice and knowledge, they can be resilient to the ups and downs in life, and ultimately create a "medal winning" brain.
They can win the neuron Olympics/Paralympics. Your role in this is to support, encourage, and role model these behaviours, be their "coach" and provide them with the opportunities to practice, practice, practice. Be their cheer squad, be their strengths supporter, be their lighter of the path, and watch them flourish.
(image from Pixabay)
Mental health and well-being are (as they should be) gaining more and more importance in the education system. We need to have an understanding of why and how to look after ourselves so that we can function to the best of our ability, riding the waves of day-to-day life, the ups-and-downs, the peaks and the valleys. One-in-ten children suffer from mental health issues, with a significant amount having to wait up to 18 months to be seen by CAMHS, and this indicates that we need to have well established mental health and well-being structures in schools to help cope with the demand. By this, I do not mean that teachers and schools should "fix" the children that are suffering the most and need professional help, but by implementing well-being skills programmes in schools we can give the children that are doing okay the chance to pull themselves back from the edge, therefore keeping places free for those that need extended and deeper help.
Many of the well-being programmes out there are doing the job they are supposed too - giving children (and including or by extension staff) the tools to build resilience, happiness, and purpose; schools take up resiliency programmes, such as happiness programmes, growth-mindset, mindfulness, etc, believing that implementing a single (or few) programmes will change the lives of their pupils. This is a first step, for sure, but one thing that aggravates me about this approach is the fact that the ends seem to be justifying the means. To believe that one or two programmes with a single focus will enable pupils to flourish is deluded. By all means, have growth-mindset in your school, but acknowledge that growth-mindset itself may assist with some aspects of your pupils lives, but not all. Hannah Wilson, HT at Aureus School, and Clare Erasmus, Director of Mental Health and Wellbeing at Magna Carta School, recognise this and these two schools have developing mental health and wellbeing programmes that draw on many aspects of a very broad arena. In doing this they ensure that, for their pupils, no-one is left behind. Pupils with and without mental health issues get the wellbeing support that they need.
BUT, I still have a small quibble about well-being in schools and it is this - where are the moral and ethical elements of the wellbeing programmes. Sure, some wellbeing programmes, such as mindfulness and meditation, help pupils to develop a natural sense of some moralistic elements, such as compassion, kindness, and gratitude, but it is done almost unconsciously, without any specific and purposeful directive to "aim" for moralistic thinking. In my mind, this lack of moralistic and ethically driven well-being means that well-being becomes individualistic and selfish. I have always struggled with the well-being industries individual focus - meditate so that you can be calm and stress-free, put boundaries in place so that you can protect yourself, exercise and eat well so that you feel amazing. What if we changed how we look at and talk about well-being so that our reason for and purpose of well-being is about the impact it will have on others as well as ourselves, how it will impact on the wider community. So what could this mean?
We need to underpin well-being with morals and values, so that young people have a purpose to their well-being, a purpose that doesn't just concern them, but ensures they look wider, bigger. In Michael Hands article "How to Teach Children Morals" he talks about three aspects of teaching morals: 1. Individuals subscribe to a standard, 2. Individuals want others to comply to the standard, 3. Individuals want those that violate standards to be punished in some way. As a community we aim to teach children - in families and in schools - that to be kind, generous, sharing and caring, are all important to enable the community to thrive. Families and schools create their standards and expect children to comply, with children facing consequences if they fail to do what is right. This is a very simplistic way to look at morals, but if we could underpin well-being with this approach, as a first step, pupils can start to self-regulate, creating well-being in their own lives that is up to a community standard (perhaps even peer driven) and policed by themselves, i.e., looking beyond just their own well-being they start to actively look out for others and encourage their peers to participate - it creates an inclusive purpose to well-being that is generally missing. Michael Hands also raises the point about moral enquiry - the encouragement of children to discuss and think about moral elements and scenarios. What if we had pupils engage in this type of discussion regarding well-being and mental health issues they may face? Giving them the ability to understand and justify reasons for and against some and other well-being interventions. This gives them the moral capacity to want to look after their own and others well-being and mental health. The ability to self-reflect as well as judge the wider-communities approach too and implementation of well-being and mental health strategies is empowering and creates a more universal purpose to strategy.
So, perhaps, when considering your well-being strategy for your school, look at moralistic and ethical values that could well underpin and influence your well-being structure, engage your pupils with the processes and have an ongoing evaluation from all parties to ensure that there is real purpose and meaning to well-being and mental health.