It is like the Big Bang. First the trauma of loss that sparks an agonising pain and then the shockwaves reverberating out like the universe expanding.
you want time to stop.
Every day is dragging you, without your permission, further and further away from that last day, that last moment with her.
So Time Must Stop!
Because you cannot leave her behind, she was still alive then and you want the universe to start contracting, to drag you like the speed of light back to her side.
Because what is life after that moment?
One moment your life is full of colour, bright, sparky, movement, blood pumping, lungs expanding, and then, like a switch to the source of all life, a blackout of epic proportions. Confused, scared, and lonely, you fumble through the grief, trying to find the light that has unexpectedly gone out. Every now and then you grapple with a box of matches in the dark, spark a light, see another face, and then the match splutters out, leaving you alone with your pain.
those faces, those faces that you know are still there; and the original light of life is behind you, she is behind you, urging you to keep looking for those faces, those connections. That light of life, Mum, she knows all those faces need each other, to see the light in each other, to make the world bright again.
I still want to go back. I still want to go back to before the Big Bang and live in the ignorance that so many blissfully dwell in. That ignorance of uninterrupted love where your little bubble of effervescent energy appears to be immortal. Because then, and only then, there you were and there we would be forever and ever, until we could create the big bang together and journey into what we do not know together. That's the thing, being together, because when I was a cell, multiplying in your womb, we were together. As I grew in your body that nurtured me, we were together. As the doctor cut me from your body and took me away from you, we were still together, because my blood was in you and yours was in me. My first love was you; you were there at every milestone, every spark of success that lit up my life, because you had made me. without you the world would never have existed, so how can the world exist without you?
I've found my cold, logical part of my consciousness saying "I don't have a mother any more." And then my heart slaps my mind and yells - "You DO Have a Mother and You Always Will!" I know my heart is right, because just as there is a Big Bang, there is also a secret cave in the universe and that is where you, Mum, reside. A cave that is known by many, a cave that is warm, accepting, and safe, and this cave is called love.
Love is the one true constant
in all of this mess.
A constant that keeps those faces in the dark looking for each other, looking for brightness, looking for you.
(Image from flickr creative commons)
For my dearest Mama, who I shall love and miss the rest of my life.
If you are inclined too please donate to your country's Gynaecological Cancer Research Organisation - this is crucial to ensure that women and their family's do not have to go through the pain of cancer and losing loved ones.